The Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Obama 2012

I’ve limited my list to only those reasons stated by Obama’s official campaign, an administration spokesperson, or uttered by President Obama himself.

Here we go.

10.  Will Ferrell will eat anything (“garbage, hair, human toenails”) if you vote for Obama.  The idea of using your civic duty to pay for the degradation of a fellow man is funny, right?

9.   Mitt Romney wants to cut investments in alternative energy.  For this reason to make sense, then cutting investments in alternative energy must be a bad thing.  Nevermind the fact that cronies are wasting other people’s money; you have to think like a true believer here.

8.  President Obama coined the term “Romnesia,” which is both witty and devastating for Mitt Romney, because he forgets things.  President Obama doesn’t forget things.  Except maybe this or this . . . or this.  Also, it appears Obama didn’t coin the term after all.  Hmm, maybe I should move on.

7.  Who can forget Attack Waaaaatch?  Okay, technically the campaign used only one “a” for this nifty little idea to tattle on fellow citizens who criticize the President.  Nowadays, though, the parody is all that is left of the original website.  The more congenial “Truth Team” has replaced it, leaving only the website address as a reminder of bolder times.

6. Obama says you should vote for him for one very simple reason:  revenge.  I’m sure this is not an attempt to foment class resentment or anything.  It’s not class warfare, it’s math.  Revenge math.

Hoo, I’m halfway through already?  It must be time to list the really substantive reasons why President Obama should be reelected . . .

5.  All vaginas and uteri depend on Barack Obama.  Maybe this notion sounds silly to you.  If so, let me explain its true meaning:  President Obama is zealously pro-business, assuming your business is an abortion clinic.

4.  If this election is your first, then you should vote for Barack Obama because your first vote is a lot like the first time you have sex.  And having sex with Obama is better than having sex with Mitt Romney.  Okay.  I need a shower now.

3.  Obama should get your vote because his speeches come from his loins.  Ew, I’m still needing that shower.  Maybe . . . this isn’t really a reference to presidential genitals.  I mean, who talks about loins anyway, outside a cheesy romance novel?  You know, “Girding your loins” means preparing for the worst.  I think Axelrod accidentally telegraphed the fact that Obama is preparing to lose.

2.  Obama is willing to use expletives while publicly name-calling his opponent.  This is a great reason for the edgy, Rolling Stone-reading, first-time voting, rock-and-roll-lifestyling set to choose Obama, assuming they weren’t all won over by Lena Dunham’s sex joke.

Oh dear.  I have more than one reason left, but I’ve already reached the number one.  What to do, what to do?  Math is so hard.

The three number one reasons to vote for Obama:

1(a).  The beautiful people have told us to vote for him.  They have way more fashion sense than we do, you know.

1(b).  Osama bin Ladin is still dead.

1(c).  Obama says that Al Qaeda has been “decimated.”  Given the chance, Ambassador Stevens, Tyrone Woods, Glenn Doherty, and Sean Smith might have begged to differ on this.  Prayers for their grieving loved ones.

Two more days to go, folks.  Two.  More.  Days.

cross-posted at Disrupt The Narrative.

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12 thoughts on “The Top Ten Reasons To Vote For Obama 2012

  1. danmillerinpanama 4 November 2012 at 11:20 am Reply

    Reblogged this on danmillerinpanama and commented:
    This is a good list of the ten best reasons to vote to reelect President Obama. Reason number 6 seems the most persuasive, to help him get revenge. A reelected President Obama seeking revenge will march onward and upward in tandem with Senator Reid, who promised not to work with President Romney or other Republicans. With the promise of glorious national reunification and post-partisanship under their banner we will be able to take many more giant steps for mankind. Perhaps not in the touted direction, but nevertheless giant steps.

  2. thatmrgguy 4 November 2012 at 11:25 am Reply

    Reblogged this on That Mr. G Guy's Blog.

  3. Mike G. 4 November 2012 at 11:40 am Reply

    Two more days!.

  4. Vincent 4 November 2012 at 1:05 pm Reply

    Did you send this to David Letterman? Any chance you think he’ll adopt this for his monologue on Monday??? : – )

  5. Conservatives on Fire 4 November 2012 at 1:49 pm Reply

    What about he will always have your back? That should get him a lot of votes.

  6. edge of the sandbox 4 November 2012 at 4:05 pm Reply

    Reasons 3 and 4 should marry each other.

  7. Evie Garone 5 November 2012 at 10:43 am Reply

    This is terrific! I couldn’t agree more…the final push is on….1 more day!

  8. Jim Fister 5 November 2012 at 4:38 pm Reply

    Thanks, I’m feeling inspired now. I’ll go take a nap and hope this election ends soon.

    (Who am I kidding? I’m glued to the TV as soon as I get home tomorrow…)

  9. Freedom, by the way 5 November 2012 at 7:53 pm Reply

    I have yet another one from an arrogant lilberal troll (and a grammar Nazi, to boot) who has been attempting all day to post comments on my blog (unsucessfully because he’s been spammed). But he says we must elect Obama because the rest of the world loves him.
    Ain’t that the best one yet?

  10. heathermc 7 November 2012 at 12:48 am Reply

    Notable practical near term financial advice from a guy in New York (Now Batting for Pedro Borbon), at http://www.crossmolina.blogspot.ca/

    “Wow. It’s Coming Good and Hard.
    I’m shocked. My worst feeling comes not from what Obama is going to do to this country over the next four, unrestrained years, but what it means for this country now that its citizens have lost all sense of judgement, discernment and wisdom. It is one thing to be seduced by a charlatan once, it is entirely another to double down on a charlatan’s spell. I am deeply, deeply pessimistic about the future of a country that can elect an unqualified, inexperienced, and subversive fool to the highest office in the land…twice; and reject the decency and accomplishment of of a man like Mitt Romney. We deserve everything we get – depression, chaos, war, inflation, loss of liberty, social strife. It’s coming and we deserve every last ounce. We have voted and we will get what we deserve…good and hard, I might add.

    As for my part, the fight never stops. Obama 2.0 requires Galtism 4.0. Withdrawal is the order of the day. Time to simply bunker down and hide under our desks for another four years. Eight years is a long time, but so be it. As 5%er (not quite a 1%er, sorry), I’m hunkering down, reigning in, living to fight another day.

    Here’s the tentative investment call:

    - Treasuries: near term neutral, long term bearish – Treasury yields can’t get much lower, Obama will tack on $5 trillion more debt in O2.0 and Bernanke will inflate, inflate, inflate. You will lose your shirt loaning money to Obama 2.0′s US of A.

    - Equities: near term bearish, long term bullish – businesses will hunker down, hoard cash, avoid growth initiatives, but the prospect of losing your shirt in Treasuries will keep some demand under equities.

    - Commodities: bullish – inflation is coming, good and hard.

    - Real Estate: bearish – property taxes are going up massively for everybody, the local fiscal imbalances will get pushed off and get worse, and the bill is gong to be sent to people who can’t react quickly.

    As a sage has said/is saying, I’ll be as gracious as the other side was in 2000 and 2004.”

  11. nooneofanyimport 7 November 2012 at 9:56 am Reply

    thanks for that useful info, Heather. This is spot on: “It is one thing to be seduced by a charlatan once, it is entirely another to double down on a charlatan’s spell. I am deeply, deeply pessimistic about the future of a country that can elect an unqualified, inexperienced, and subversive fool to the highest office in the land…twice”

    And funny, I have the same gut instinct as this blogger you’ve quoted: hunker down, go into protection mode.

    Cheers my friend.

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